There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
