I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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