i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
operation have a gay friend backfired
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
