1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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