My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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