So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
