my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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