oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
