it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
