So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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