I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
