My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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