I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I will pee on everything he values.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
