I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
