dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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