My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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