You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
