I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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