Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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