God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
