david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
