also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
