I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
