I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
