If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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