Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
