Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i black out too much to be "responsible"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize