me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
