my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
if only i could text you this smell
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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