I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
