I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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