I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
