I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
that's an acceptable place to lick
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
