If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
