I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
