Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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