No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You dont lie about slip and slides
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
