there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
