when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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