don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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