Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
