I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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