easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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