you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
