i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
