Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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