trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
