11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
