I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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