So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
