I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
