im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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