i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My penis needs a shock collar
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize