as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
