I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
