I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
