I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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