I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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